Everyone one has the right to a second chance and my boyfriend was not given that chance. see that’s why they cant be rehabilitated because its not offered. What Science Reveals about Pedophilia. The prison system is awful! Locking people up and expecting them to just stop or change on their own is not the answer. If your husband feels like it could happen again please get in contact with the emergency services right away if possible as it sounds like he does need some help for his mental health. We may someday find out that it is the latter, maybe even that it can be cured. And when I came to realize what I had done I wanted to take my life. Your children are always your first priority. I can’t stay in the past reliving it all of the time because that does not get me anywhere. It was too devastating and hurt so deeply. sometimes, if they are alive before they get out of real prison, however most just want to commit suicide in the first place, before whatever . In the case of a child molester attracted to 10-year-old girls, severing the connection between arousal and children might mean fantasizing about a little girl and then sniffing an ammonia capsule. I know he never molested me and I know that he had a million chances to do so. 1. I realised these images were inappropriate, and deleted them. What all of this means is that even though rates of child sex crimes might be dropping, the rate of pedophilia in the population might still be the same. Its like we r on the same boat but on opposite sides. Upon release from prison, offenders are often required to enter rehabilitation programs, which are meant to redirect pedophilic urges and help a person refrain from harming children. Stop wasting time and money on jail sentencing!! You can’t make a blanket statement about everyone. I hate hate, Can I report someone I know he is a child molester and I just found out he has a son can I report him because I don’t believe child molesters can be helped and should he be allowed to be around or his son or in his care not sure if the mother of his child knows his history on who he is thank you, This same loser raped me too I don’t think he can be helped. Aren’t both crimes? I am a female and I am only attracted to men. I mean 4 him to be rehabilitated. He has never shown any remorse or compassion for the damage he did to our daughters- in fact, he threatened me continuously and threatened our daughters, told them not to tell, or “daddy will be in jail for a really long time”, “Mommy will be really mad”, etc. Can this kind of behavior run in families? With me and my “dad”… we are not a family. Where did I get my information? It was sort of like my sexual taste and desires had gotten stalled at that age. What we do to the least of our brother we do to ourselves. I am angry at him and can’t look at him the same way. We started talking from jail. Help please. Beaten and traumatized by other family members while growing up, Just change? My Ex-husband was diagnosed with several types of mental illness and I loved him anyway. Thank you for your comment! Conventional wisdom has it that child sex offenders lurk among us until caught, and that they can never be cured. No man is worth more than your children. I also don’t understand why I can’t stop hurting over the loss of our family (we have a daughter together as well)…. Often, just having more information can diminish those feelings. They may wish to attend therapy, explore ways to curb their desires, or take medication. All rights reserved. Discovering that a convicted sex offender is living nearby can stir a range of feelings – fear, anger, lack of safety, loss of control. But I think that for most of us who can in no way ever understand or condone this behavior it is so hard to rationalize even trying this. It’s just hard. In addition; my father was a child of rape, meaning his mother was raped and he was the product of that rape. Most of these people have mental disorders and let me tell you prison is NOT the answer! my father has not been in my life since I was 3 I’m in my 20s now he is out of prison and he wants to meet me I’m definitely would not consider meeting him by myself I would go with someone else but I’m trying to think of if he even deserves to see me. Those who have not yet harmed a child and who are committed to avoiding doing so may find relief from their desires through chemical castration. When in the police station the solicitor told me to say that no touching occurred, even though I wouldn’t be able to recall if any did. Since I’m the victim, I’m worried that I might end up seeing him. The molester himself is in pain and is suffering because of some form of abuse that has happend to him maybe at a young age where is his help.It is our responsibility to protect our children and help them when there is an abuse situation, and if it is a family member, don’t we want our loved ones to get some form of healing without being hated, did God say love is partial? I fell deeply in love. Some people claim that child abusers can't be cured and invariably reoffend. When I was convicted, the state got $20000 in federal grant for “monitoring and supervision” expenses. To, Greyman ; I agree about mental illness. Free and confidential prevention and treatment programs–such as Germany’s Prevention Project Dunkelfeld–may help those who are attracted to children refrain from acting on their desires. Life has never be the same. I agree! I posted here 4 years ago when I found out my boyfriend had molested his daughter. I think that as a Christian I want to say that I don’t judge and it is not up to me to condemn, but it so hard when it comes to situations like this. I respect him for changing though I hate what he did. I’ll never act on a child . A bad father! According to research I’ve done and reading reports by the FBI, most child molesters commit an average of 117 sex crimes before they are caught- and most child molesters are never charged, arrested or convicted. It will hurt, your heart will break, but it will break forever if you lose your kids. Having bipolar disorder is not an excuse for molesting a child. I think child molesters should be institutionalized for the rest of their lives. In a back-and-forth series of commentaries authored by Cantor and Fedoroff just published in the journal Current Sexual Health Reports, Cantor highlights major shortcomings in the 2014 study suggesting that pedophilia is changeable. I’ve been working on some stuff my therapist has me doing and I have been pretty down lately. I’d like to ask an expert on this web sight. At first Hate and very ashamed to admit I even cared about the monster I once loved dearly. Conventional therapy is poor at treating this since it does not engage those deeper levels of one’s consciousness to heal the past traumas and release the unconscious feelings and thoughts that are feeding into the compulsion. outside of isolating myself that’s the only rehabilitation I get. If no one is talking about it – then it is more comfortable for potential offenders to think about it, and rationalize abuse. Line them up on the court house lawn and hang them all!!! No matter how horrible child molestation is, child molesters are still human. so think before you say know what your talking about before you talk. It will be a hard thing to talk about but if you can encourage your husband to seek help. ", Fedoroff’s perspective is that pedophilia is not a sexual orientation; instead, he characterizes it as a “sexual interest,” or something that a person just happens to want to do sexually. But the worst was the obvious secrecy around my experience. I went thru the cycles of emotions also. No I have not acted on any of my thoughts just in case it sounded like I did in my last comment. T nugget, I agree with you that the U.S. needs some type rehabilitation system. They're subhuman scum and should be regarded as such. Subscribe me to the GoodTherapy.org public newsletter. I was like you and used to think these people should be in jail for the rest of their lives but now I am not so sure. I uncovered some secrets that should not have been kept in his family. You should be in prison for the rest of your life. Other individuals may molest children for the above reasons, out of sexual frustration, or in order to maintain power or exert control. In several European countries, Savage points out, people experiencing a sexual attraction to children are often able to seek treatment confidentially. …Ive grown up with him. I will never understand the attraction to children. With some I believe its a learned behavior. Is it stupid? What horrified me was when i found out that this wasn’t the first time he’s done this.. I know it’s horrible to hurt a child…i have kids of my own. When I got 14 I reported the molestation to my counselor and they got help for me I was able to go to a group home. I also found out in 2017 that his half-sister Marie was molested by him, when she was a little girl being babysat by him. and fast! Obviously the law most likely is right, but not always and it is a terrible thing to be wrongly convicted for, you are then looked through a prism, every act you do is in probation minds a precursor to offending. He molested our daughters, and I found out two years ago from his sister that he had molested her when he was a teenager babysitting her. Child molesters usually begin their pattern of behavior while still teens Child molesters usually begin their pattern of behavior while still teens. That is exactly the problem. Thanks for the suggestion. I have been told that I have not got proof of anything, again. During the interview, the ex-con insisted that he is the safest person is his community. I have always considered harming a child the only unforgivable thing. He still sends us letters when we don’t reply. The Justice and Health Care system go hand in hand. Times that by the $20,000 grant from almost 2 decades ago = $16,000,000,000. My son is 10 now. I’ve tried seeing other therapist in the past, but was unable to find a therapist that seemed to care or that I felt able to open up. They need to have there hands cut of so there can never hurt another child again. A personality. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. Psychologists have still not reached an agreement about whether pedophilia is a sexual orientation or a mental illness. Chemical castration is one method that may keep child molesters from reoffending. He hid it very well. there should be organizations like Hearts of Hope 4 example that may guide u to a counselor and one that takes u in on a sliding scale fee. He married my mother in around 78 and I was born in 83. I hope this new one works out. Always listen to your guts as well. Groups can provide a safe environment to discuss inappropriate and harmful urges, and the support of a group of individuals facing similar challenges may give some people the strength to avoid offending or reoffending. I had moved to a new place after dislosure to rebuild my life, yet all the time police would visit, make insinuations and continuously talk about relationships and disclosure, I knew then that living in the UK was impossible and went into a shell of drug use and lonesomeness at which point I used pornography much more frequently. To be positive, I think it’s good that you realize your husband is ill- that his behavior is not acceptable. Another problem is we have found only one professional in our area that deals with this type of problem specifically and charges 150 a session. In November of 18 he took his life because he couldn’t live with all of this. He chose to become religious and chose to stop his ways. Horrible life changing experience. As a child who was abused by my uncle, I feel so torn because there is a part of me that really does not care at all what happens to him. Called me often and sent me care packages. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. And even if someone is guilty of being a child molester, and they did do it merely because they are an evil person who wants to hurt children, society cannot condone torturing them to death. I know this really is not the place to talk about ocd as such but I felt that it kind of relates in terms of feeling certain urges to do things. https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html, If you would like to review some information about therapist/client confidentiality, you can review our page on the topic here: Then there is a part of me that does care, because that is family and my mom’s brother. Well,My ex- husband was arrested in Aug. 2013 and sentenced on a lesser charge of indiscent behavior of a minor under the age of 13, in april 2015. my son was 8 at the time and was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. These programs are often viewed with skepticism, as many believe that a person who molests children cannot be rehabilitated and that pedophilic urges will always lead to the sexual abuse of a child. Meanwhile, when those who molest children have suppressed that shame and fully embraced and rationalized abusing children (becoming antisocial personalities) it is something that is hard to treat. But after really thinking about it, he should be the one doing all the worrying. Recovery is in the early stages. he keeps the reason 4 being locked up a secret and came up with a cover story to keep from being retaliated against. I thought they felt the same way about about me. Why be so selfish? Despite the fact, authorities sent the convicted child molester interviewed in this story back to prison in 2015 for violating his parole. Why do I feel this way? I feel mossy terrible about not exposing him and stopping his addiction. He should have thought of that before he did that to me. My daughters, according to them, were between the ages of 4-7 when he did this, and he definitely manipulated them because of their young age and because they truly loved their Dad, which kills me inside…. Where they seen me as someone who cared for them and showed them the attention that they wanted. In the United States, however, an individual who discloses pedophilic tendencies may be arrested, as therapists and physicians are required by law to report anyone who poses a threat to children. Just think what that amount might be today . Found out later sexual abuse was going on in his own upbringing.but my first responsibility is safety for The children. You mentioned something at the top of your comment along the lines of it still haunts me, you sound to me like a good person who has done bad in the past but that very statement tells me you are a good person who I would imagine would jump at any opportunities to help others. In total, he molested 4 children- 3 of our daughters and his half-sister. Would you say that it was metal illness that caused you to commit the act? The abuse they suffer is.. well lets just say there are no words. In some cases, an antidepressant, which may have the effect of further limiting one’s sex drive, is also prescribed. One in which people are told to ‘manage’ their ‘incurable’ interests…or one in which people are educated about the fact that they are responsible for their sexual behaviors and their therapy (individualized for them) is designed to help them change their interests so they no longer have ‘urges’ to harm children?”, In a brief email exchange I had with Cantor, he said the following about attempts to convince people who are attracted to children that they can be cured: "It scares the shit out of me," he said. Now of course during probation they don’t accept that the ill lifestyle choices can be stemmed from alcoholism, a wrongful conviction and subsequent inability to carry on with life. One of the worst childhoods I’ve heard. Indeed you can't cure the sexual orientation of pedophiles. It’s all in the pattern of abuse, but not all who have been abused in such ways become the monster. He is sorry now! That is good to hear that your ex is going to be getting some help and yes that will be something to look forward to as it becomes an interesting journey for all involved. I did not find out until 2007, when my younger two daughters confided that he had been molesting them, and I was involved with social services in California that the information was locked in their computer that they believed he had molested M. They never said anything to me back in 1995 or after. We must focus on the children to hell with the abusers.keep kids safe and abusers dead or locked up”. The 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual classifies pedophilia as a paraphilia, distinguishing it from pedophilic disorder: It is diagnosable as a mental health condition when it causes distress to the affected individual or to someone who is unwilling or unable to consent. At each testing session, participants listened to spoken erotic scenarios depicting children or adults while erectile changes were recorded with a penile plethysmograph, which is basically a ring that goes around the penis and measures changes in blood flow. To be honest and realistic- it is not your responsibility to get him help- it is his, and he will only get it if he wants it. Many individuals who are attracted to children never act on their attraction, and some seek help in order to keep from harming children. sometimes the urges, voice or instinct that seems so impossible to go against is well really somehow connected to u in ways that u may not see. Everybody says put him behind bars but nobody wants to know why the crime occurred or what the problem was. I will pray 4 ur family and all others who face this kind of sickness. You state that he has done this previously, and it is important that it is reported to the police. Hi Greyman Like when he gets out of prison. I know that I will never let that happen again, and that I will do whatever it takes to ensure that it never does. Yes, I ruined a life by molesting a young teen. Every job I have had since being released, someone has always found out and started trouble for me. This is why I do not think pedophiles and child molesters can be reformed. I guess you feel guilty because you never thought you’d be in this position before. Thanks for sharing. Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of Tonic delivered to your inbox. The only difference is in how one perceives it. THANK YOU You can replace fear with confidence. My mind keeps telling me to do bad things, this is pure hell living with a mental illness that tells you to do very bad things. Based on information provided, the intake specialist/social worker will determine whether or not a case will be opened. hard labor, he did 2.5 in a sewing factory, he had money. Having been abused as a child myself, I think my striving to forgive my abuser carries a little weight. You might consider submitting your question to our panel of therapist writers through this channel. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. “To be completely cured is difficult but you can change enough where it’s not an issue anymore,” the offender said. I wasn’t out stalking kids at play grounds I didn’t kidnap any kid torture them and than kill them I didn’t do that. Don’t both stem from a form of covetousness or greed? His Dad wants to recover and seek professional help. at fist we wrote back and forth. The good news is that treatment for people with sexual behavior problems can and does work. I have been convicted of a crime that never was a crime. If I could ask you this question, Do you feel as if society has accepted you back so to say, sorry if I’m not making much sense there. We met when we were 15…both worked at a grocery store.. he was shy. We r in couseling! We just had our own baby who was 3mos when this happened. I wish u the best ! There is just not enough of a guarantee that this wouldn’t happen for me to ever feel safe around them. I’ve seen his mom in action. I have seen more than enough videos, read plenty of documents to understand and come to the conclusion, that our Judicial system is a systematic nightmare. I had a touchy feely encounter with a 16 y/o when i was in my mid 20’s. I do know that I wasn’t thinking straight. I suffer from ocd harm related thoughts and my chances of acting out the thought is very low but I do find it interesting talking to someone who is maybe on the other side of it so to say. Never saw it coming. But what can I do? (n.d.). It might simply be a function of the decline in sex drive that occurs as people age, which might make managing a deviant sexual interest easier. Some therapists have reported that this method has been successfully used to reduce an individual’s desire to molest a child. that’s more exceptable. There really are many things you can … Don’t wait like my Ex-husband did. That does sound good that you are thinking about writing a book as well, I think you will have a lot interesting things to say and the more that we do spread words that will create a better society I feel. We do have a weekly column in which therapists answer readers’ questions, called Dear GoodTherapy.org. Let’s just say that the potential is there for rehabilitation, then what? (I know this is something an ocd sufferer would never act on) Going back on topic, do you feel that the rehabilitation process was something that was helpful? He was trying so hard to prove to everyone that he is not that horrible person. We cited over the phone While I was trapped in Germany for xmas and he divulged things to me that happened to him as a child (molested by his sister and his father)…While I am still incredibly mortified by everything….I believe that it is a combination of nature and nurture…I believe that he is very scared of spending the rest of his life and prison and scared that this will define him the rest of his life…it probably will. She put her hands all in my private parts and the she touched me and I was so scared of her. If anything it’s making it worse! YES, 16 BILLION dollars, That was almost 20 years ago. He is begging me to forgive him and that he has been working so hard to be a better person. It’s ok… that’s how I feel with my dad. Canadian psychologist Michael Seto echoed these thoughts in a recent paper, in which he summed up the existing evidence by saying that the "expert consensus" in the field is that pedophilia and other unusual age-related attractions are "stable over time," which means that the focus of interventions should be on "management rather than 'cure. He must first be held accountable before he can move forward. That’s the people that care about me. He chose to come forward. Im a level 3 even though I NEVER had any sex or their never came off. Remember satan is the cause o sickness and death God is our father of love this world is in this condition because lack of love. Is there something wrong with me? Correction: A previous version of this article described the site "Pedophiles About Pedophilia" as run by "pedophilic men"; that has subsequently been changed to "pedophilic people.". Child molesters can not be cured so the answer is no. He failed us! I blame no one else for my act. Hi Lori, I am sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that to happen to them. In 1995, after we had been married for 5 years, he was sentenced to 4 years prison in California for battering me. I understand being repulsed by the idea of someone committing such an act. Thanks for sharing Shandell In other words, there’s no supporting data demonstrating that it can accurately classify someone who is a pedophile. DO IT THEN . Plus, many pedophiles never commit sex offenses. Avoiding him treated or controlled with therapy and medication my friends, my self respect, and we and... Back or am I parinoud also welcome to call it…ignorance…mental illness…or whatever that. The effect of further limiting one ’ s a choice a slap I... Trying to change someone who cared for them to … published: July, 2010 harm a child but had! Many things you can hurt your own child that ’ s further at. Out against the idea of someone committing such an act him outside the window GoodTherapy blog into to! 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